Attempts of a Failed Dieter

It’s always DAY ONE of dieting for me. Day one of being overly conscious of all my calorie intake. Day one of psyching myself that my body goals are achievable 100%. Day one of eating clean. Always day one….after realizing all over again that I have grown way bigger than my normal self. After waking up to that delusion that I’m not gaining extra pounds for eating that extra cup of rice and eating that huge bar of snickers for dessert. All the guilt brings me back to day one.

I can’t count the times I felt rock bottom after seeing myself in photographs looking so huge and so round. I sometimes hate myself for being in this repeated cycle of dieting because it tells me that all my attempts are meaningless.

Believe me, I know the joys of being able to shed off that unwanted fat. The satisfaction of seeing yourself so fit in front of the mirror is very rewarding and you just want to go on with all the efforts to see more results. Danger is when complacency sets in,when you got the goal you've been working for. From there you suddenly lost your drive.  Maintaining is the very challenging part of diet.

From 73 kilograms last 2017, I lost 18kg and tadah! That was my pre-pregnancy weight. It was amazing! All thanks to jogging and controlled eating. With that I was able to wear my old clothes and shop for dresses without worrying if I’d fit or not. I'd take selfies without thinking about the double chins and pot belly. 

But I guess I got too close to comfort after that, I rewarded myself a bit by doing cheat days then I found myself swinging between 59 to 60 kilograms. Heck! It was rather frustrating to know that I was gaining again what I worked so hard to lose.

So, I planned to start from the very beginning but sadly I’ve lost my drive for it. It’s difficult to start, I have forgotten where and how I started and I can’t remember how I got myself into that disciplined routine.

Yeah, my mojo was gone and once again I was clueless on how to begin with my plan.  And I fall into this dead cycle of failed dieting.

What is the cycle anyway? Well it goes like this…

DAY ONE: I can do this! Cereals for breakfast. This is yummy, I am enjoying this. Easy peasy.  Fish and fruit for lunch... Early dinner and plenty of water. I did it!

DAY TWO: I can still do this, but I’m really starving. I am getting a headache already. My brain cells are starved I can’t think straight, I’m pacing out... What am I doing to myself? Hey girl you gotta do this. You've done this before.

DAY THREE: Gosh I lost .3kg...that’s all?? Just .3 kg for crying out loud!!  I’m so hungry. But calm down, you can do this…right?? Right??  > I'm having little doubts now <

DAY FOUR: I think of food first thing in the morning. I scroll down my Facebook home feeds and I see food videos. I watch them and it pains me.  I drool over my colleague's lunch box, wishing it has something great inside. This is nuts.

DAY FIVE: Nothing is happening!!!! Results a joke! I’m starving and I am so...so..so sad about it. Let this be my cheat day today, I’ve been DIETING SO HARD, I need to reward myself just a TINY bit.

DAY SIX: Shit! I ate too much yesterday. I weigh myself. WTF I’m back again to same weight I had on day one. I quit! I just want to be happy with my life so I will eat what I want. I don't care anymore!

DAY 7: WHAT HAVE I DONE?! I’m fat... I’m huge. My cheeks are chubby. I look so round. My belly is loaded. Why did I let this happen?? I need to start diet ASAP…effective tomorrow.

Then we go back to day one.

So yeah, I have been through this so many times and every time I try people around me thinks I am joking, the more it hurts because I am dead serious about this.

And they shower me with advises like, “hey you should couple your attempts with some exercise, it would really help.” 

As if diet alone is not a big roadblock towards my body goals, then I am suggested to do exercise... I’ve tried it too okay and it sores my body on the first day and I decide to chill on the second day then the rest is history. Why does it have to be this hard?

All I want is for me to return to my original shape so I can fully embrace the freedom and perks of being fit. It's easier to climb stairs without catching your breath right after, it's easy to squeeze your butt into a congested jeepney, I slip into narrow spaces just like that. I can have my photo taken beside thin people without the fear of looking so huge among them and most of all, I can get into my pants quickly without all the struggles of wiggling.

Currently, I am finding ways to get into that mindset of correct dieting and exercise. How to get back into that perfect momentum again and not back out once the craving and hunger caves in. How to? Well, I’m waiting for that epiphany that will strike me back to where I stopped...

Are you with me. LOL